Excellent Driver. Slow in the Driveway.

This past Saturday, I had to go to driving school. Now, it's not what you think. My days of being a speeding speeder are long gone. In fact, I maybe drive four times a month... maybe. No, this was a condition of work, which requires an explanation so long, stupid and boring, I refuse to tackle it. Let's just say, to live my life of crime, I had to go to this driving school. Awesome.

Anyway, the course I signed up for took place in very sketchy neighborhood (maybe "in flux" is a better descriptor) and lasted four hours! The notice the traffic school sent out was very explicit about arriving on time and bringing a pen (because it's a class for God's sake!). But, pretty much, those were the requirements.

My class had about 25 people. I kid you not, of the 25, 10 people spoke little to no English. There were these two Polish guys sitting next to me. Of course, the dorks didn't bring pens. That was the least of my annoyance. All they did - for four solid hours - was copy my notes and stare at me. Not in a "wow, you're really cute way" (HAH!) but more like a "I'd like to cut you up into little pieces a bury you under my mom's house" way. VERY CREEPY!

Of course, when it came time to break out into small groups, I was assigned to these two guys. Damn it all. This was no five-minute breakout, it lasted like twenty. In which, the two Polish Dudes were all staring at me, mumbling in Polish and laughing. I have NO clue what was going on but I was so uncomfortable.

There was a great deal of shaming going on. I think the instructor got a bit of a kick out of making people feel stupid. What did she care, they were just traffic infractors. When I answered a question out loud - the wrong answer, that is - I was told "That's what a speeder would say!" I so wanted to protest, to say "I'm not one of you! I'm here for work." It would have fallen on deaf and non-English speaking ears anyway. So I was all "Man..." and crawled under the desk.

At some point during the hell day, the instructor asked several people why they were there. This tiny, 100 year old Russian woman said she had been caught for speeding. Instructor: "Do you speed often?" Old lady: "No! Never speed! One time, get caught!" (Exclamation points not dramatized.)

At the end of the day that could not have ended soon enough, the instructor went around the room and asked us to describe one thing we learned. One of the creepy starers said "Come to class to drive car." This same guy said to me "Is this first time here?" Was that a driving school pick up line?

I had no clue functional English was not required to get a driver's license in Illinois. I mean, I understand that there are Spanish tests and forms (that class was next door), but what about the ten Chinese, Polish, Russian and Ukrainian people in the room? They had to sit through four hours of a class they didn't understand. As bored as I was, I can't imagine how draining and GAWDAWFUL it must have been for them. Damn speeding speeders.