I only have two friends who are stay at home moms. I find them both pretty amazing. They seem to have it together. Their kids are happy and well-adjusted. They volunteer at school functions. Their houses are clean. Every time I talk to them or see them, they've showered that day. Are these wins or what?
Where was I going? Oh, right. When I had Nathan, I grieved that I'd be sending him to daycare as an infant. I know for some people this isn't a difficult choice. And for others, it's not a choice at all, but a necessity - as it was for us. I had secretly hoped, for a long time, that I'd be a stay at home mom to my kids. Joe and I, well, we're just not that solvent, and my student loans are way too big. And man, Chicago is expensive! So, I worked and Nathan was in daycare full-time. It was the way things were and we all got used to it.
When I got pregnant the second time, we knew that I would be staying at home. It was both where my heart was and the best financial decision for my family. My part-time instructor position at a local university has helped us make this possible. Every day I looked forward to it. The last few weeks I took Nathan to daycare, I excitedly talked to him about how he'd be home with mama and the baby.
Then the day arrived.
I had forgotten how difficult the period of hibernation was in January and February. We were firm about four weeks inside since we're in the heart of cold and flu season. Of course, the first outing we took with both boys, besides the doctor, resulted in Nathan bringing home a cold.
I hadn't truly calculated how much Nathan would have cabin fever. He's been in daycare since he was just a few months old. And while he didn't always want to go, he was used to going, He misses his friends.
I hadn't realized how much worse the sleep deprivation would be when you have a newborn added to a poorly sleeping toddler. People, I'm barely functioning and I really understand how sleep deprivation is a torture technique.
I have made comments on the Facebook and to both my mom and Joe's mom about my inability to sleep. The consensus is that I wanted children and now I just need to suck it up. I don't disagree, the lack of empathy is a bit shocking. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope. I just want to get through a day without screaming at my toddler. I think the only real solution is to sleep. So, when I go for my check-up next week, I'm going to ask about sleep aids. I'm that person who hates taking medication of any sort. At this point, I don't have a choice. Poor Nathan.
I wonder if I'm revealing too much. I feel like it's safe to admit this stuff because better days are around the corner. Daniel is five weeks old, so we can get out a little more. The weather will be breaking soon, so we can start walking and going more places. I will get to sleep someday. Nathan will forgive me for this transition time.