Hellooooooooooo, Nurse

It's so weird. I think most girls, while teenagers, think that the older you get, the smoother you'll get. I mean, really, can it be worse than breaking a chair during band class in 7th grade? Really, can it?

Well, apparently for me, it can. I noted recently my inability to shut the bathroom door and my propensity for wearing pants with broken zippers. Well, today, I went to a meeting with a pair of unzipped pants. I must not have zipped them at 6:00 this morning, while I was running ass-late. Wow, I'm so cool.

All that aside, I had one experience that I'm pretty sure I'll never forget - or live down. At my previous job, we held new employee orientation every two weeks. I had a brief song-and-dance, during which I talked completely out of my posterior. On this particular day, there were a good 20-25 people, staring at me with their fish-eyes, because yes, it was a long day, and no, by all that is holy, we cannot pay attention to you after our high carb lunch.

While talking with my hands and begging them for any - just a little bit, please!?! - interaction, one of the newbies came up to me and whispered in my ear - "Your pants are unzipped."

Sweet Mary, Mother of God, yes they were! Fortunately, I had a folder I could hold in front of my pants and could continue delivering the existential message of what quality should mean to them!

After what felt like eons, but was in actuality only fifteen minutes, I fled. I zipped my pants and walked back to my office. When I got there, I related the story to much -almost sympathetic- laughter. BUT there's more. You may be thinking, "What else could there be, you dumb ass?" The worst part about my sad fifteen minutes of fame was that I was wearing black pants with BRIGHT BLUE Hello Kitty (tm) underwear.

Nothing like looking professional. Smooth is something I only dream about acquiring.