I have a problem. I'm an angry, angry person. I've got a lot of darkness stored up inside of me that comes out in little bursts. I consider these bursts to be so very righteous because, you know, I was wronged. A couple things that are on my heart:
- I get mad at my husband for making me wait six years to get married --- even though this was 3 years ago.
- I get irritated, and kinda mad, every time The Targo brings up these friends of ours who made fun of him, saying "I don't know how anyone could marry him" the day after our wedding --- again, that was 3 years ago.
- I am continually angry at my certain people for literally ruining our engagement --- and that was 4 years ago.
- I have fits of childish rage at those same people for not only failing to be excited about my being pregnant with Nathan, but telling us that we were crazy and had no idea what we were doing, as if we were high schoolers coming home to announce the pregnancy --- and that was 2 1/2 years ago.
- I get mad every time I see this specific SUV in our neighborhood because it nearly ran me off the road two mornings in a row, trying to get around road construction --- that might have been 2 years ago, perhaps more.
- I seethe when on of my siblings treats my mom like she doesn't matter because she's just a step-mom ... although she's been his step-mom since he was 11 years old --- ongoing, but...
I think there's some validity for my hurt feelings and frustration. But really, I don't seem to have the ability to let things go.
Last night at my women's group, we talked about how so much of what brings us down could be combated by having good words in our hearts. And asking for forgiveness and forgiving are powerful.
At the time, I felt that was all fine and good - in theory. But really, I'm offended. I've been wronged!! How can *I* forgive and ask for forgiveness?
One of the most powerful lessons that I've learned since becoming a believer is that I am insufferable. People have problems with me. I have hurt other people, again and again. I think about what Paul said about the Lord's grace to him. God forgave him. God has forgiven me. Why am I so shallow that I cannot forgive other people and let things go? I've been trying. I've been failing. But it's time to get back on that horse again. My first step, I think, is to ask my husband for his forgiveness for holding this ridiculous bitterness in my heart and forgive him for whatever all I think he's done. I can't make promises, but I hope that will snowball.