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Thursday, December 03, 2009

Rage

*warning ... spiritually and emotionally immature post ahead... read at your own risk.*

I have a problem. I'm an angry, angry person. I've got a lot of darkness stored up inside of me that comes out in little bursts. I consider these bursts to be so very righteous because, you know, I was wronged. A couple things that are on my heart:
  • I get mad at my husband for making me wait six years to get married --- even though this was 3 years ago.
  • I get irritated, and kinda mad, every time The Targo brings up these friends of ours who made fun of him, saying "I don't know how anyone could marry him" the day after our wedding --- again, that was 3 years ago.
  • I am continually angry at my certain people for literally ruining our engagement --- and that was 4 years ago.
  • I have fits of childish rage at those same people for not only failing to be excited about my being pregnant with Nathan, but telling us that we were crazy and had no idea what we were doing, as if we were high schoolers coming home to announce the pregnancy --- and that was 2 1/2 years ago.
  • I get mad every time I see this specific SUV in our neighborhood because it nearly ran me off the road two mornings in a row, trying to get around road construction --- that might have been 2 years ago, perhaps more.
  • I seethe when on of my siblings treats my mom like she doesn't matter because she's just a step-mom ... although she's been his step-mom since he was 11 years old --- ongoing, but...

I think there's some validity for my hurt feelings and frustration. But really, I don't seem to have the ability to let things go.

Last night at my women's group, we talked about how so much of what brings us down could be combated by having good words in our hearts. And asking for forgiveness and forgiving are powerful.

At the time, I felt that was all fine and good - in theory. But really, I'm offended. I've been wronged!! How can *I* forgive and ask for forgiveness?

One of the most powerful lessons that I've learned since becoming a believer is that I am insufferable. People have problems with me. I have hurt other people, again and again. I think about what Paul said about the Lord's grace to him. God forgave him. God has forgiven me. Why am I so shallow that I cannot forgive other people and let things go? I've been trying. I've been failing. But it's time to get back on that horse again. My first step, I think, is to ask my husband for his forgiveness for holding this ridiculous bitterness in my heart and forgive him for whatever all I think he's done. I can't make promises, but I hope that will snowball.

5 comments:

Mrs Lemon said...

I used to have this problem too - until I really understood Mark chapter 11. If I don't forgive other people, God is hindered from forgiving me. And I need a lot of forgiveness.

You can't ever err on the side of grace and that not come back to bless you later.

And people are so stupid sometimes. See? I need a lot of forgiveness.

Mrs Lemon said...

PS - you don't have to publish that comment if you don't want to.

Shannon said...

I think having a forgiving heart isn't just something that happens when you become a believer. It seems like it should but I think it is more of a personality trait. Just like some people are naturally more patient, some people are just naturally more forgiving. I'm trying not to sound all 12 step on you, but just knowing that you need to be more forgiving is a first step. Many people have no clue.

I used to pray for patience every day. I never woke up one morning feeling more patient. Instead God sent situation after situation my way that needed extreme patience. At first, I was so angry, mostly at myself for not being able to change. But then I realized patience is learned not acquired.

I guess my point is that maybe you have to learn to forgive. I don't think you ever have to forget. I think the main point of forgiveness is letting go of the anger toward that person. Nor should you feel guilty for cutting people out of your life that hurt you over and over.

I have learned that for me, it is best to get angry, I mean really angry then to start talking it through with God. Eventually, the pain starts to lessen and I begin to move on. But everyone moves through those steps differently.

I think in time you will find it easier and faster to work through your anger and actually let that anger go. We aren't God, our feelings are flawed. Understanding that is a big part of understanding forgiveness. {Hugs}

Marianne said...

Thanks so much, girls!

Jamie said...

Marianne-

I used to read your blog about a year ago, left the Internet world for awhile, and just somehow found you.

Faith is something that I struggle with daily, especially now. My father passed away two weeks ago. I have so many angry WHY ME moments and bitterness, but then have to take deep breaths and look around at all the blessings that God has given me. Personally, the only thing that gets me through the days is focusing on the positiveness and keeping my heart full of forgiveness and acceptance.

Happy Holidays. It was nice to find you again.