Contrast

Sunday evening, I was driving to visit my friend, Jen, who is about two weeks before her due date. She's one of the most beautiful, awesome, fabulous people I know. Her daughter and Nathan are just six months apart. And her family only lives two miles from us...

Anyway ... short story. I'm driving to see Jen and give her a baby gift. I've taken to praying a lot while I drive because one day, I said something really awful and Nathan repeated it. (And I mean, REALLY awful.) So, I'm praying and listening to praise music while I'm driving. This car pulled up next to me and I kid you not, every other word in this song was Mother-#$!!*&*&!

I was listening to music to bring me closer to God and grant me some peace in traffic - a huge struggle for me. What was this guy's music speaking into him?

BOOM!

It was somewhere in the 60s on Friday, and on Saturday, it was cold and snowy all day long. I had made plans to go have coffee with a sweet high school-aged girl two doors down. The Targo had a million errands to run, so I took Nathan with me. As we were walking down our front stairs - about 8 of them that go up one story in approximately 5 feet - I fell. While carrying Nathan.


I didn't feel like I hurt myself, but I wasn't sure. The little monkey was hysterical for 15-20 minutes. He wasn't hurt - I held on so tightly - but he was scared, very very scared.

As a result of holding on to him, I tensed all of my muscles, hurt my back and pulled a muscle in my stomach. The bruises are now coming out - all over my arms and back. I'm probably lucky that no one at work is asking me about it.

There's a lesson here - for me anyway. I know that no matter what, I will hold on tight to Nathan. I will protect him from falls, risking my own body. And all this love, this sacrifice, is nothing compared to the sacrifice that's been given to me. My bruises are pale compared to what He suffered.

I hope I'm not offending anyone. I'm new in my faith and these ah-ha moments really touch me.

Forward

Just three weeks ago, we were outside playing in the snow. Nathan didn't really get to enjoy the snow last winter. This year, he got to play outside, build a snowman, and go ice skating (a 2 year old can ice skate when he has feet as HUGE as this one).

I think my two favorite things about parenting a toddler are experiencing the wonder in everyday things and being forced to just slow down. I find that these little things, like snowy February days flowing into unseasonably warm March ones, fuel my love of life. Whether it's building this snowman or allowing him to push the stroller all the way home, once our experience is over, we have to stop and savor them. The Targo and I will talk for weeks about how much fun we had doing these things, any thing, with Nathan.

I'm grateful to be able to stop and live it, but also to have the photos to remember these things by. I'm so looking forward to this spring and watching my handsome little toddler grow and develop into a preschooler, and then a little boy. And the joy that I've felt, having The Targo by my side, has really lifted me up. I feel like all those little prayers I lift up to God, thanking him for my very boring, very ordinary life are well-heard and heeded.

Looking Up

I feel like not only have I been Debbie Downer on this blog, but I've been a little bit down in real life. This has been manifested in my lack of sleep, massive weight gain, and my disinclination to do anything with anyone aside from my family.



Last week, I went back to my small group at church and I was so grateful. I had been praying about it and felt like the group was something I had to drop. I didn't have time for it. I loved the exercise, and when I had time to keep up, I loved the study. But the commitment was so oppressive to me. I skipped it for two weeks and then I decided I HAD to go back. I felt all this temptation to not go, but I went and it was really special, amazing. Unfortunately, I didn't make it last night. I worked late and had a migraine... so I just sat on the couch and snuggled my men. I think that's pretty spiritual.



As I turned the corner on my sadness, which I was afraid was nearing depression, God opened another door for me. I was offered an adjunct teaching position. Really? Me? The fat girl who doesn't speak up in class? Wow. It's an amazing opportunity and I feel so blessed. Most importantly, if it goes well, they're going to offer me more classes.

I feel like the horizon is brightening, but I've got to look up to see it.

And the Suck

I feel like I have seriously been Debbie Downer over here... but man... there's just so much sadness and suckiness going on in our family right now.

My cousin called me today and it looks like my aunt's cancer is terminal. They're trying chemotherapy on Friday or Saturday, but if she doesn't respond, they don't think she'll be able to handle another bout.

So, I've spent my lunch hour, and a few minutes after my workday, trying to find some cancer centers. Some hope. Northwestern University and the University of Chicago both have amazing medical schools, which have cancer centers. Maybe they can offer her some time? Maybe they can help her live long enough to see her grandchild be born in March? Maybe?

All this rambling is to say, I feel bad that I even share this stuff. I feel like I'm blogging just to blog. Then I realize it does make me feel better to just say it (in type) ... and to be able to think through and process the sadness. It makes me remember that I have hope.

Help For Haiti

I meant to post this yesterday, but was feeling all sorry for myself... because I suck. But, if you're concerned about those in Haiti, and aren't sure where to go to help, I found two really reputable charities that have people on the ground.

The first is Bright Hope International. They've been in Haiti for a long time and have three current projects, including a micro loan program and a feeding program. You can find out more at the Bright Hope website.

The second is Compassion International. One of their specialities is disaster relief. They focus on meeting the immediate needs of shelter, clean water, food, and clothing.

Of course, the Red Cross is always an option. I'm so grateful that despite all the darkness in this world there are people who give their lives to serving others in times such as these.

Rage

*warning ... spiritually and emotionally immature post ahead... read at your own risk.*

I have a problem. I'm an angry, angry person. I've got a lot of darkness stored up inside of me that comes out in little bursts. I consider these bursts to be so very righteous because, you know, I was wronged. A couple things that are on my heart:

• I get mad at my husband for making me wait six years to get married --- even though this was 3 years ago.
• I get irritated, and kinda mad, every time The Targo brings up these friends of ours who made fun of him, saying "I don't know how anyone could marry him" the day after our wedding --- again, that was 3 years ago.
• I am continually angry at my certain people for literally ruining our engagement --- and that was 4 years ago.
• I have fits of childish rage at those same people for not only failing to be excited about my being pregnant with Nathan, but telling us that we were crazy and had no idea what we were doing, as if we were high schoolers coming home to announce the pregnancy --- and that was 2 1/2 years ago.
• I get mad every time I see this specific SUV in our neighborhood because it nearly ran me off the road two mornings in a row, trying to get around road construction --- that might have been 2 years ago, perhaps more.
• I seethe when on of my siblings treats my mom like she doesn't matter because she's just a step-mom ... although she's been his step-mom since he was 11 years old --- ongoing, but...

I think there's some validity for my hurt feelings and frustration. But really, I don't seem to have the ability to let things go.

Last night at my women's group, we talked about how so much of what brings us down could be combated by having good words in our hearts. And asking for forgiveness and forgiving are powerful.

At the time, I felt that was all fine and good - in theory. But really, I'm offended. I've been wronged!! How can *I* forgive and ask for forgiveness?

One of the most powerful lessons that I've learned since becoming a believer is that I am insufferable. People have problems with me. I have hurt other people, again and again. I think about what Paul said about the Lord's grace to him. God forgave him. God has forgiven me. Why am I so shallow that I cannot forgive other people and let things go? I've been trying. I've been failing. But it's time to get back on that horse again. My first step, I think, is to ask my husband for his forgiveness for holding this ridiculous bitterness in my heart and forgive him for whatever all I think he's done. I can't make promises, but I hope that will snowball.

Raising Your Child In Faith

I was not raised in a religious household. I had a couple negative experiences with church (nothing too horrible) growing up. And I participated in a youth group at my friend's church for a year. I'm pretty sure we never cracked the Bible in that whole year. Ever. At college - both undergraduate and both of my graduate schools - I didn't really know anyone who was "religious." In fact, many people in my PhD program considered anyone of any faith to be stupid. As I said before, I'm a new Christian and I'm just not sure where to go from here.

The Targo grew up Catholic, but his family didn't really practice after he was five or six, and he was pretty adamant about not taking Nathan to a Catholic church. (---- I'm not trying to offend anyone here, just reflecting on our parenting decisions ----) So, when I found my church, he was very supportive of me. I haven't been taking Nathan with me, because it seems silly for him to go to the nursery when he can stay at home with The Targo. I think I'll start taking him at 2.

Nathan's getting to the point where he really likes books. I'm thinking of introducing him to the faith this way. But really, I have no clue what I'm doing or how to guide him. I have a lot of goals when I think of raising him in faith. Aside from the obvious ones, I want him to have a heart for serving others. I hope that by seeing his parents serve food at homeless shelters and work with under-privileged kids, that he'll grow into a young man who wants to do the same.