Nathan

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Daniel

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Guilty

*EDIT* I have to preface this by saying I'm just one of those people with a naturally guilty conscience. No one has done/said anything to make me feel bad. My point is that I don't think anyone in particular is jealous (good Lord - of me and large butt and student loan debt?) or anything. I just know how I felt when I wanted *this* and didn't have it. I guess it's an internal conflict that I can now articulate. And I realize this disclaimer might be almost as offensive as the post.

When The Targo and I had already been dating for forty-million years, I remember being frustrated that everyone around me was getting married. (My horribly immature envy is documented here.) Now, I live in a city, so most of my friends here either married in their late 20s or are still single. But, no one I knew had been with their significant other and dating exclusively for 5 years and still remained unengaged/unmarried. Of course, being an insecure-type-woman, I wondered what was wrong with me.

Fortunately, I beat The Targo into submission and we got engaged in February 2006, five plus years after our first date. We got married in November 2006, six years and two weeks after that same date. Was it worth the wait? Absolutely. I've definitely gotten to that point where the time before he was in my life is a blur.

The reason I was thinking about this is a post that Amalah wrote yesterday. She talked about how everyone is having babies and how hard, even though they're happy and excited, it probably is for people experiencing infertility or singles who really want children.

TMI: I got pregnant the first month The Targo and I were trying. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly - and he most certainly didn't. Frightening emergency room visit aside, this was my biggest reason for wanting to wait to tell people. I felt like I would be rubbing my good fortune in the faces of others. (The faces of faceless others? Hmm...but still.)

I'm a dork. I want people to like me, despite my crazy cat lady ways. So, interweb, I really hope I've not made anyone feel bad through my good fortune. I can almost guarantee that my life is going to be beyond stressful come December 2007/January 2008. I'll be that frantic mother who tries to balance working full-time with being a good parent. Or, feeling my heart torn out as I drop an infant off at daycare and pray to God I don't leave him or her in the car because I'm so sleep-deprived.

Bottom line, I'm sorry if my obnoxious baby ticker or my excitement hurts or offends anyone. I hope that you can join in my and The Targo's joy as we make this journey.

7 comments:

Liz said...

You can't feel guilty for something you can't control - and that's how other people feel about your life. I admit, I was in a place where I thought I would never be around Valentine's Day, and I was very excited that there was a horrible snowstorm and people couldn't go on dates on Valentine's Day. Horrible? yes. I got over it.

And I am excited we are having babies at the same time! AND there's another girl at my church who is due 4 days before me. I told her we were having cousins :)

Nicole P. said...

Don't feel guilty! The baby stuff lets us single girls live vicariously through you. Keep it up! In fact, we could use more pregnancy stories like weird cravings, practicing diaper changes on the cats, etc.

I say leave your condo unpacked until your nesting urge kicks in. You'll have everything unpacked and put away in a single day! But make The Targo videotape it and post it for us to watch. Maybe set to the Flight of the Bumblebee music

L Sass said...

Oh man, do not feel guilty. I think that women have so many choices these days. It's hard not to envy those who have what you don't... in all directions.

Most of my MN friends are married already, many with shorter spans of dating than AS and I have. But, it's a tradeoff. I still feel like AS and I are building a committed relationship, even if marriage isn't the top priority right now, and I'm getting to do lots of other exciting things in the meantime.

Kristabella said...

Don't feel guilty! Even Amalah said, and the other blogger, that even through all their issues, they are so, so happy for others who are preggers.

One of my friends got pregnant and asked me if I was mad. I couldn't ever fathom being mad at someone for expecting. I love babies! But she knows how much I want babies of my own some day and somehow thought it would bother me.

Envious? Yes. Mad? Never!

You should be excited! And if you want to shout it from the rooftops, so be it!

The Mouse said...

Marianne, a few things you need to know, honey:

1. I cried with JOY when you announced Peanut's creation on the blog. Joy, honey. I remember running around the room yelling 'Marianne's pregnant!Marianne's pregnant' to The Hubby and Gran-Gran the Fabulous and getting blank looks. (They are such non-techy people they don't even know about blogs, really. *sigh*)

2. I cried with JOY, despite my own fertility woes because there are still many women out there who are very deserving and want to wear the mantle of motherhood and I celebrate that.

3. If I didn't celebrate others' joy in becoming pregnant, I would become a selfish, miserable person and miss out on the immeasureable joy I have with Lovely Daughter.

4. The Hubby and I found out I was pregnant ONE WEEK before we were to see the fertility specialist. To go through all those fertility tests, etc., etc. and become human pincushions. I would have done it though - in a heartbeat. To add to the TMI factor, I became pregnant without a period. How's that for a medical mystery?

5. I LOVE and ADORE your baby ticker. I still have one for Lovely Daughter (counting down to her next birthday) as my email signature. Being a mom should be celebrated on any and all levels. Everyday.

6. If anyone has a problem with your joy with Peanut they can go take a flying jump at themselves. You can quote me. If anyone's squashed your joy in even the teeniest way, tell them I'm on the next plane bringin a can of Canadian Whup Ass, just for them.

7. I cannot have more children. I cannot carry to term. Lovely Daughter was my one chance and I thank God everyday that I have her.

8. Both The Hubby and I think you're fantastic, Marianne (as well as the Targo) even though we've not met IRL. How blog stalker-y does that sound?? Hah.

9. TMI: When my stick turned blue, I didn't believe it. So I called THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE TESTS to get their input. Yah. I'm so cool. Definitely the action of a pregnant woman.

10. I love your blog. I loved it before you were pregnant and I love it now. I know I'll love it after Peanut's arrival, too.

PS: Never, ever, ever feel guilty for your good fortune or celebrating the good things in your life. You deserve every single one. :)

Christi said...

Girl, don't ever feel guilty for the blessings that you have. I remember going through that when all my friends were getting married and having kids and I felt jealous but I never resented them. I just wished I had what they had.

Now that I am a wife and mom I sometimes catch myself being jealous of my still-single friends because of the freedom that they have and wish I would've enjoyed that time more while I was there.

You just focus on enjoying this time. Being pregnant is such a special time and I wish my circumstances would've allowed me to enjoy it more.

alyndabear said...

I think we all have a little envy in us at some point, if not over relationships, over jobs, lives etc etc. But we get over it! ;)

"But, no one I knew had been with their significant other and dating exclusively for 5 years and still remained unengaged/unmarried."

Ahem. *raises hand in air* That's me!

I'm super happy for you guys, and am glad you're sharing this with us! :)